Classified Ad

"Hartfield's Hearth and Home Healthful Hints"
From Highbury's Own
Life-long Valetudinarian and Leading Authority on All Things Wholesome

AMr. Woodhouse

Hear about the evils of:
- custard and malt liquor
- late hours and large dinner parties
- damp and unaired rooms at inns
- unwholesome wedding cake
- venturing outside the shrubbery where one might encounter gipsies

Learn the only right way to:

- bake an apple (thrice, as twice will simply not do)
- drink wine (no more than half a glass served in a tumbler of water)
- prepare pork (made into steaks, nicely fried without the smallest grease, never roasted; in the case of the leg, it must not be over-salted, should be boiled, and served with a boiled turnip, and a little carrot or parsnip)

Share in Mr. Woodhouse's opinion of:
- the necessity of forestalling matches to avoid the evils of change inevitably arising from matrimony (Mr. Woodhouse is as far from approving matrimony as he is of foreseeing it)
- the need to stave off the alarming attacks of poultry-house robbers (Mr. Woodhouse recommends installing a Knightley on your premises)

Discover the benefits of:
- an egg boiled very softly
- a small basin of smooth, thin gruel (one wonders why it is not taken by everybody given its wholesomeness for every constitution)
- avoiding drafts, wet weather, (actually, it is never safe to sit out of doors) and London where, the truth is, it is always a sickly season and nobody is healthy
- wearing a shawl, staying out of the rain, and changing one's stockings (particularly for young ladies, as they are delicate plants)

The Excellent Mr. Perry, Apothecary, will attend (if he is not bilious) to look at sore throats and express opinions concerning the benefits and evils of various seaside resorts (Mr. Woodhouse is firmly of the opinion that sea air is rarely of any use to anybody and will share a cautionary tale of how it once nearly killed him!)


One night only: Tuesday, seven-night following. Hartfield (nr. Highbury), close to the hearth (but not too close).

No supper to follow. Assorted nostrums, remedies and embrocations will be available for sale.

   back to Woodhouse Defense League home