BERNIE Jones Diary
Posted by Golda on August 22, 1998 at 12:34:26:
Here is a spoof For all you Bridget Jones Diary fans. It's the Bernie Jones Diary. I confess that I have not read Bridget because I don't care to read about all that whining and obsession when I can listen to it live daily here in New York. But I know it was a group read, and lots of you talked about it at Cape Cod.
In the Sunday (8/23) New York Times Magazine Style column, by Ken Gross, is a take off on Bridget. (Don't be confused by the date, parts of the Sunday paper are delivered on Saturday.) Verbatim, here it is:
"Monday, August 2. 17 hairs on brush. (Thatleaves 87,961 to do the job.) Yanks 9, Baltimore 8! (Apparently wearing Yankee cap, Yankee shirt and teamlogo athletic supporter while viewing works.) Traded late game for morning jog. (Tomorrow for sure.) Must call cleaning service. (Ran out of dishes.)
10A.M. The office is in an uproar. Clalncy (Torquemada) had been undeservedly promoted to Ubersupervisor and wants, of all things, timely status reports. Thus the all-important quest for a new pickup line will have to take a back seat to the weekly production schedule, whatever that is. Maybe I can combine the projects. ("Hi, I just finished a Gonzo production report -- wanna come up and read it?")
"Tuesday, Aug. 3. 22 hairs (Deniability of male-pattern baldness becoming a stretch, but still possible.) Yanks 2, Baltimore 6! My bad! (I didn't wear my Yankee cap. Recent criminal trials have proved to my satisfaction that caps soak up hair follicles.) I owe one more jog. As soon as I find flyer with the name of the cleaning company, which is, I believe, somewhere on the couch, I will call.
"7P.M. Usual guy-group dinner complaints, namely women's incomprehensibly high expectations resulting from mere one or two close encounters. Ben says women emit a kind of emotional crazy glue after intimacy while guys are so delighted that they immediatley go out and experiment randomly to see if experience was a fluke. We order more beer and forget what we were complaining about. Oh, yeah, should women be allowed to see "Saving Private Ryan"? The consensus is O.K., let them see it, but not in the front rows.
"Wednesday, Aug. 4. 76 hairs! (My poor guys are dropping like flies! Does this foreshadow the, Yech!, combover?!") Yanks' day off. (Good thing too -- my uniforms are really tired.) Too depressed to jog. Found number of cleaning service, but have no willpower to call.
"10A.M. There are three napkins in my wallet. One has a phone number blurred into incoherence by drool or beer. Only the National Security Agency could decrypt it. Another has five digits. Apparently someone gave me her license- plate number. The third has the name "Jake" or "Jarnie," which is followed by a star. As I recall there was a brilliantly witty Sharon Stone look-alike at the bar who was impressed by my boast that I was a champion arm-wrestler -- a gift that would have meant something in the low-tech hunter-gatherer age. Should I call or wait for the Rogaine to kick in?"
That's it. Don't you just love it?!
- 4.76 hairs? !!!! what a hoot !!!! (nfm... except) terese 22:32:34 8/24/98 (0)
- LOL!! thanks that's hilarious! wish there was more ;) (nfm) Haley 21:31:04 8/22/98 (0)
- yes I love it!!! *VBG* (nfm) Gabski 16:49:07 8/22/98 (0)
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