Charlotte's Letter

Some years after the marriage of Darcy and Elizabeth.

Excerpts from a letter, Mrs. William Collins, Hunsford, to Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pemberley.

My Dearest Lizzy,
I am now safely delivered our third, another little girl.. Her name is Elizabeth. So now I have Catherine, William, and a new Lizzy. Mr. Collins was not the most pleased with my choice of name, but I stood firm, reminding him that Catherine was not my first choice for our first. We are not a passionate couple, but Mr. Collins is more useful than some might think--after all, we have 3 out of about 10 possibilities......................
Lady Catherine does not improve upon longer acquaintance, as you will have reasoned for yourself, but one learns how to deal with her. The secret is that the old trout assumes that what she says is true and that everybody will do as she bids. Well, I don't think she includes you in the everybody, nor your husband either, but she know how to put such things out of her mind. Of course, Mr. C simply encourages her, as he does what she bids. I on the other hand do not. I simply agree, then go and do as I will. There are of course limits, but I have become very good at knowing them, and stretching them..........................
Mr. Collins is truly a good gardener. If he had not been born to gentility, he could have made a good fortune from gardening. Fortunately for me, he enjoys it as much as he enjoys toadying and preaching. As you have seen, I encourage him, and he spends almost all his free time in good weather out in the garden. Winter is more ov a problem, but I have learned to suggest various theological studies, and that keeps him in the study. He is not a quick learner, so I find a number of complicated matters for him to peruse......................................
You remember my brother Tom who used to argue with your mother about his intention of keeping a pack of foxhounds and drinking a bottle of wine every day. Well, young Tom married a girl with
L30,000--old Lord Moreton's daughter. She hasn't a brain in her head, but is good humoured, and (as your deal life's helpmate once said of you) she is tolerable so far as her looks. So Tom has his pack of hounds, and I fear that he does drink his bottle a day.........................................................
Lady Catherine has been ill off and on for a while, and has several times gone to Bath to take the waters. I don't know if you know how terrible they taste, but Lady Catherine insists that it is a matter of setting one's mind to enjoy them while giving thanks for their theraputic powers. I often smile to myself thinking of her swallowing dose after dose of a liquid smelling like hot flat-irons and sulfur and tasting even worse, especially as they appear to do her bad leg no good at all. As for her disposition, it has enough sulfur without drinking more. As a result of her absences, I have become quite friendly with Lady Anne, who is more of a companion than you would believe so long as her Mama is elsewhere..................................
Lady Anne says that she was delighted when Darcy chose you, as she never wanted anything to do with marrying him, but had no idea how to avoid it. She has her eye on a young subaltern in Col. Fitzwilliam's regiment, and is trying to work out how to get around Mama. Perhaps they will elope, as Anne refers very often to Lydia and Wickham, not with disapproval so much as awe.
Lady Catherine often vapors on about that matter, and I believe that she will be hoist on her own petard, as Anne would never have thought of elopement on her own. Poor Anne had no idea that anyone could ride down her mother, but you did, and then her favorite nephew did, so Anne now understands that it can be done.................................................
For what it is worth, Lady Catherine is far less observant than she credits herself. Mrs. Jenkinson is her idea of a perfect companion for Anne, always complaisant, always content. Of course she is; she's always drunk. With the assistance of the housekeeper, who is a fair wine bibber too, Mrs. J goes through a bottle of old port every day. She would fit in with my brother Tom and his fair lady quite well. This has been going on for years, and the old trout has not an idea in the world that her household servants are draining her wine cellar. Mr. Collins suspects, but I cautioned him that Lady C would never admit to an error in judgment, and that he could end like many another bearer of evil tidings.............................
Things here are better for me that you would ever have expected.
I am very comfortable and very much amused. If you like, tell youf father; he always liked me, and I am sure that he knew that I too enjoy the folly of the world, even the folly of my lord and master--so he thinks....................................
I am delighted that you are expecting another child. I very much hope for a girl this time, one who looks just like you......
We have very different marriages, Lizzy, but we had very different expectations. You have the pride and the passion. I have the parish and the poultry. And we both have the children.
Love as always, Charlotte