Another Letter from Charlotte

My Dearest Lizzy,
I am pleased to be able to relieve the tedium of your confinement by furnishing for you an account of the recent convocation of clergy at Bath. Please don't laugh so much that a too early delivery results. This will be in chapters as it were so that you do not find yourself thinking that I am writing a novel rather than a letter. How much you choose to share with Mr. Darcy is of course your choice, but I don't mind his reading the entire matter as it is noticeable that he laughs much more since his marriage. Your father will, I hope, see the entire thing, as there is enough of folly to please him.
I took Jemima along to tend to the new Elizabeth, leaving Catherine and William to Mrs. Blockett, and--you will find this difficult to believe--Lady Anne de Burgh. As I told you, Anne is a good companion, and I find that the children like her. She takes them for drives and meets her young officer out at the far edges of the park. The coachman has no use at all for his real mistress, the old devil of the manor, and is completely trustworthy with Anne's secret. That should make you laugh, and I believe that your father will have tears of delight in his eyes. As for Mr. Darcy? Well, let me know.
The convocation has been convened partly to discuss the evangelical movement, and how far it can be considered proper.
It makes life difficult for Mr. Collins, as he has some sympathy for their ideas of keeping everybody from enjoying life too much, but Lady C considers the evangelicals apostles of the devil.
We arrived a day before most of the clergy, as Mr. C wished to consult with a friend in Bath and to try the waters. This led us to a most interesting acquaintance, and another laughing matter. We went to the Pump Room, and outside we saw a couple walking arm in arm. Mr. C told me that the man was a very wealthy and influential vicar, supposed to tend toward the new movement, and to be a most powerful speaker. Mr. C had met him somewhere and been impressed--as he would be by a very rich clergyman. If Mr. C thinks he's powerful, I shall avoid his sermons if at all possible.
In the room we saw a big man, with a bearing combined of military and the sea,leaning on a stick that was more a cudgel than a walking stick, and looking with disgust at his glass of water. He swallowed it, used some very improper language, pulled a flask from his pocket, and took a great swig. As he turned away, he almost bumped into us. He grunted a sort of apology, then swept off his hat and gave me a bow. "Good ----- girl!" he said, "You don't look as if you need this ------ bilge.
As for you, sir, drink some of this and you'll lose that paunch."
Mr. C was horrified, but I admit that I felt as if I had received a compliment.
Outside we met him again, talking to the powerful speaker and his wife. He recognized us with another sweep of his hat and another bow. The powerful speaker bowed, and greeted Mr. C, which led to introductions all around. Thus I made the acquaintance of Mr. Edmund Bertram, Vicar of Thornton Lacey and Mrs. Bertram--and Mr. Price, father of the latter.
Poor Mrs. B. I think she will be a lovely person to know, and I think her husband is a bit of a stick, but the poor woman was in dread of what her father would say next, and neither she nor Mr. Bertram had any way to quiet him. I may add that he roars like a man on a quarterdeck, swears every other word, and offers his flask of rum every time he takes a pull himself.
"By---- Fan," he bellowed, "If you and Neddy weren't paying for this jaunt, I'd never come. Wouldn't spend a ------- farden to drink this -------- bilge. Wouldn't drink it now, but it pleases you. Couldn't stomach the --------- bilge without a tot to put it to sleep."
I could not resist, Lizzy. I actually accepted his offer of a tot. He drinks right from the flask, but it has a little cup for a top, and he poured me a cup full, sweeping another of his marvelous bows. I choked it down, and we parted company, with him roaring, "You're a gel for a marine or a sailor Mrs. Collins, and your parson's a fortunate man." Well, Lizzy, I think he is too. He was so completely put out of countenance by all this that he could not even complain to me about my actions.
Would not have done him any good; I can handle him.
It seems that Mr. Price's old wounds have been giving him a great deal of pain, and his daughter persuaded him to come to Bath for the waters, bringing her mother and one sister. She had no idea that he would arrive at the same time as all the clergy. I can't think that the waters do much good with all that rum poured on them, but I am not convinced that they do much anyway.
They have not done much for old Lady Catherine, and I noticed that my own life's helpmate drinks very small portions. He really does not want to lose his paunch; he considers it impressive, and suitable to a respectable clergyman.
Lizzy, I must conclude for the nonce. Very shortly I will give you particulars on other new acquaintances and a number of other incidents.
Love, Charlotte

Finis