This afternoon I experienced such conflicts of emotion! I hardly know what to think! Before I continue, U really must give an account of the events that took place this afternoon. Today, my aunt, uncle and I went to visit Pemberly, home to Mr Darcy. It is indeed, one of the most beautiful, nay, the handsomest and most beautiful house that I have ever seen! As we rode up in the phaeton, my aunt was energetically enumerating all the virtues of Pemberly, which after seeing it all myself, I must definitely concur. The beauty of Pemberly complemented the natural landscape which is Derbyshire.
So here I am installed in my home sweet home over the next few days. Now i know that I promised you that I will inform you of any events that occur after our call to Pemberly, and now it is my duty to fufil that promise.
Well, we arrived here this morning, and as we were not expecting anyone to call, we spent most of the morning acquainting my aunt's friends of our stay in Lambton. We arrived at the inn from a hectic morning of making calls, when one of the servant girls called me to say that 2 gentlemen and a lady were calling on us. This aroused my curiousity, and I was amazed when Mr Darcy walked into the room. I wish that I had thought to conceal my surprise, but I am afraid that I failed miserably. As an attempt to hide my feelings, I curtsied, using it to recollect myself. Mr Darcy then introduced me to his sister, Miss Georgiana Darcy. Miss Darcy is nothing to what Mr Wickham said, and I am glad that I rejected his claims of Miss Darcy being unpleasant. She was as amiable as her brother, although a trifle shy. Mrs Reynolds was correct in her lavish praise of the lady. She confided in me that she loved music, then begged me to allow her the pleasure of listening to me sing one day. I asked her as to where she heard of such a report, to which she answered that her brother found great pleasure in listening to my performances, which in turn excited her desire to hear me sing. Now that, I must say, surprised me, although I should by now be reconsciled to the emotion. Ever since our arrival in Derbyshire, my feelings have been in a state of constant turmoil. When I tried to dismiss Mr Darcy's praise as false, she persisted in praising me, and to appease her, I agreed to sing for her one day. As soon as Miss Darcy procured the promise from me, Mr Darcy interrupted our discussion to request Mr Bingley's presence in the room. I assented readily, and instantly we were swamped by his exuberance and cheer. As soon as I set eyes on him, my thought flew to Jane, and judging from his pointed questions, I do not doubt that his thought were not far from my own. Once or twice, I would catch Mr Bingley looking at me in earnest, as though trying to discern my sister in me. If my estimation is correct, I hope that it means that he still thinks of my sister, and that there is still hope for her yet.
They staid for half an hour, and just before they took their leave of us, Mr Darcy drew his sister aside and called my attention to her. Miss Darcy then requested our presence at dinner that evening at Pemberly. It was with a smile that I accepted, and she smiled the sweetest smile back at me, before she was ushered out by Mr Darcy followed by Mr Bingley.
My aunt and uncle are now, I am sure of it, thinking that these attentions that Mr Darcy has bestowed on me, are a result of his having some sort of peculiar regard for me. However, I am quite sure that this is not the case. He is doing it out of respect for our former acquaintance in Hertfordshire. I said as much to Aunt Gardiner, and she just smiled before giving me a look. I have given up in trying to convince them that he does not regard me in any way but as a friend. They only persist in exchanging glances that are infuriating.
My uncle will be joining a fishing expedition with Mr Darcy and Mr Bingley tomorrow morning at Pemberly. My aunt and I will follow to join the ladies for dinner. I daresay that it will be a pleasant day and evening. I will acquaint you of all the events directly.
p.s can someone please write and tell what they think of my story. it was originally an essay for school and i need some feedback!
Considering the company that I kept with tonight, I must say that I think that the evening went tolerably well. Tonight, we dined with the Darcy family at Pemberly. Besides ourselves and the Darcy's, we were also accompanied by the Bingley family. As I observed Ms Caroline's behaviour tonight, I am certain that she really only detests me because of jealousy. I could not help but wonder how she would regard my presence at dinner tonight, and I found that she behaved pretty much as she ever did. She was up to her old tricks, in trying to discomfit me, but all she succeeded in doing was making the Darcy's uncomfortable. I will tell you of the instance that brought me to the conclusion. Miss Georgiana and I were toting the duty of keeping everyone entertained, and after some persuasion, she agreed to play a song or two for us. She was still a little shy about singing, so I did not press her on that point. I had left her to join the ladies' in their conversation, when Miss Bingley asked me in a painfully obvious manner about the welfare of my family after the departure of the militia. There was nothing I could say to that, so I replied that they were coping perfectly well. This obvoiously wasn't the answer that Miss Bingley desired, and she hinted about my regard to Mr Wickham (which is now non-existant). I pretended to have no idea as to whom she was alluding to, and she went straight to the pioint, and asked me straight out about Mr Wickham. As soon as the words left her lips, Miss Georgiana looked up, and in her consternation stopped what she was doing. I sneaked a glance at Mr Darcy and found that he was sitting upright, so tense that I almost feared his wrath for Miss Bingley at that moment. I quickly went back to Miss Georgiana, apologising for my neglect, and when I looked up again, Mr Darcy was relaxed once more, and even smiled at me a little. Seeing a smile that lit up his face for a brief moment, made my heart quicken, and I quickly looked away. We left soon after the above-mentioned incident, and as we went back in the phaeton, my aunt and uncle were waxing lyrical about everything but the man himself. When my aunt and I were alone for a while, I longed for my aunt to bring him up, just to find out as to what her opinion on the evening was, but I suspect that she was waiting for me to do that myself, and so we retired, both unsatisfied with the lack of confidence.
Miss Darcy was as sweet as I imagined her to be on our first acquaintance. In spite of the fact that she is far more acomplished than I will ever be, she is neither forward nor conceited. She is rather quiet, which is to be expected, as she lives most of her lfe at Pemberly. I am sure however, that with a little more confidence in herself, she will be one of the most sparkling girls, for she has a lovely personality, if but a trifle withdrawn. I would like to further my acquaintance with her, and when I mentioned this to her, she was quietly enthusiastic, and suggested that we join them for dinner again tomorrow. I accepted once more, and so tomorrow night, we will dine at Pemberly once more.
Mr Darcy remained as pleasant as he was on the last time he called on us. He was perhaps a little quiet, almost as though he was in his own little world. I wonder what engaged his attention tonight? Well, I really must retire now, for we have to make numerous calls in Lambton once more before we go to Pemberly. Good night.
Since I last wrote in here, I can hardly write, for fear that news will arrive at any moment. A scandal has come about, and swallowed our whole household in its shame. Lydia has gone and eloped, has put herself in the power of Mr Wickham. I could scarcely believe it when I first read about it myself. To think that Lydia should allow herself to be manovered by such a man! My aunt and uncle, when they first heard of the news, were inclined to think that perhaps there was some sort of mistake, and that Lydia was safe at home with the rest of the family, but I knew Wickham's character too well to believe such platitudes. To make matters worse, Mr Darcy knows the entire states of the fact, due to the fact that he occasioned on me just as I received the intelligence from Jane. He was very kind in his treatment of me, but he made it quite clear that he wanted nothing more than to get out of my sight. This saddened me in some indescribable way. I cannot bear to think that he is somewhere out there, thinking ill of me. Why I should feel this way, I do not understand why. He was never so cordial to me as he was during our stay at Derbyshire, and I fear that never again will I sse him again, or hear him speak to our family again with such affabilty. I had never perceived any partiality on Lydia's side before to Wickham. It seemed to me, that though she bestowed her attentions on him, when he did not return them, all she did was go and offer them to some other officers who were appreciative of them, such as Denny. So why is it that now she has gone and eloped with him? A man with no connections, no fortune; silly, silly girl! Such an imprudent match on both sides! But then again, she could not have known his true character in the way that I have discovered. Should I have revealed the flaws of Mr Wickham when I had the chance last April? Jane and I were so sure that we were doing the right thing; that by not revealing his character, that we were being just to him. For we had supposed him to be desirous of a complete change in his character, and we deemed it unfit to make him seem desperate. However, he has betrayed out trust in him, and it almost makes me wish that we revealed him to be the dishonourable man that he is! Perhaps though, it was wiser that we didn't. For, if such a thing was to be known, then no one would solicit our company, once it is known that our family is connected to such a man1 I really don't know what to think. All I can think of are two things at the moment: Lydia's defection and Mr Darcy's scorn of my family. Both are just too painful to think about, although why the latter is so painful, I have yet to discover a reason for it.
I am thankful to write that since I last wrote that at last, I have better tidings to write of. Lydia and Mr Wickham are indeed married, and are on their way to Longbourn as I write. When we first received intelligence of the marriage, we were all relieved that events took a turn for the better. But when we realised exactly how much we were indebted to my uncle, we began to feel that perhaps we were a little too optimistic in thinking that all is well. My uncle must have put aside a great deal of money to pay for Wickham's debts as well as given him a large sum of money. According to father, Wickham would be a fool if he married her for less than 10,000 pounds. How is such a sum to be repaid? My poor uncle! He has distressed himself unduly. I suppose that I must take comfort in the fact that Lydia's reputation is saved by this marriage. She will no longer have the taint that comes from living with a man she is not married to. I will write more when they arrive later this evening.
Chapter 6 I cannot believe what I have just heard! What would you make of this? Mr Darcy was at Lydia's wedding! I can hardly believe it! What would make him do such a thing, expecially when it concerned someone he absolutely abhorred! Lydia had let it slip by accident, and so I was unable to discover more about the event. Apparently, it was meant to be a secret, but the cat's out of the bag, and now I am determined to find out exactly how Mr Darcy came to be at that affair. I have written a letter to my aunt, asking her exactly what was meant by Lydia's thoughtless comment about Mr Darcy's presence at her wedding. I hope that my dear aunt will take pity on me and write about the circumstances that would explain his presence, as the suspense is tortuous to my sensibilities.
You might say that this evening went tolerably well, to quote a gentleman we both know. Father was very stern and barely said anything, but the happy couple were too happy to notice. Mother was also very happy to see them, especially her dear Lydia, who is very much like her in disposition. I do not think that mother realises the implications of Lydia's actions. But then again, she has always been like that. Lydia is so proud of the fact that she has a husband. She made Jane go lower, due to the fact that she is now married. Oh dear! I have just realised how jealous that sounds! Believe me when I say that indeed, I am NOT jealous. I believe that Lydia was trying to ascertain my reaction to her marriage, as she asked me if I envied her. Nothing could be further from the truth! This evening was certainly not one of the best, and I must now beg to retire. I will write once again when I have received a reply.
I have just received a letter from my aunt, and what I have just read was astonishing in the extreme. To think that Mr Darcy shouldered all the expense that such a situation entailed! I will write of the circumstances directly. According to aunt Gardiner, Mr Darcy came to call on them in Gracechurch Street. He said to my uncle that he felt responsible because it was through his pride that he had not revealed Mr Wickham's true character, which, if it was known, would have prevented the elopement. My uncle really thought that Mr Darcy was being to hard on himself, and at first would not consent to Mr Darcy distressing himself, but according to my aunt, he was like a rock, and was unmoved by any appeals on my uncle's behalf to leave be. It was Mr Darcy who paid for the debts, Mr Darcy who reduced Wickham's demands to what they are now, Mr Darcy who has restored Lydia's untarnished reputation. I cannot help but feel that perhaps he may have done this for me, but I dare not express such a hope to anyone but you dear Diary, if indeed it can be called as such. Why else would he agree to restore the reputation of my sister, who is wholly unconnected to himself? Much as I respect his sense of honour and duty, I do not believe that anyone of even the most amiable disposition would forgive the wrongs done to him by Mr Wickham.
I actually baited Mr Wickham today, to see if I could discomfit him with my mention of Miss Georgiana. It gave me great pleasure to watch him stumble, especially when I mentioned that Mr Darcy improved upon my knowing him better. He positively went pale, and so I took pity on him, and suggested that we not quarrel over the past. Saying this, I took leave of him. I'm very relieved that he and Lydia left this evening. I do not know how much of their exuberance I can take, for it is quite trying, especially when one considers just how much they have put us through with their escapades. Although I feel that it is the best that Lydia and Mr Wickham are as far from us as possible, their departure has cast a pall of gloom over the entire household. Mama keeps to her room still, complaining of a headache, Mary continues at the pianoforte, practising diligently for the next time she is able to exhibit, and Kitty flits about the house, as though she never knows what to do with herself. I suppose that she feels a little lost without Lydia to get her into mischief now, but it is best for the two of them if Kitty is out of Lydia's unsettling influence as much as possible. As for Jane, Papa and I, we continue on our ways, always the same. Jane, I think, is still a little withdrawn, probably due to Bingley's absence. I am sure however, that he still thinks of her, if his pointed questions in Derbyshire were anything to go by. If only Mr Darcy would give his blessing to Mr Bingley, he would be here in an instant proposing to Jane. But I suppose that there is no way of knowing what is going on in the minds of gentlemen. No way at all.
Oh dear diary! He has come! After all that has happened, I would never have thought it possible for him to call on our family as well. Indeed, considering the circumstances that have occured since our last meeting, I did not believe that he and his friend would ever call on us again. What was I to say to him! I have dreamt of his coming back, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would come true. But, upon reading this, anyone would think that he has proposed, for this would possibly be the only reason as to why any woman would be in such transports. But I must confess that no, he has not offered his attentions to myself, and nor do I expect him to. It is just the thought of his calling after all that he said about our family. When he swore that he could never connect himself with such a family. Oh dear!
But I really must begin by giving you an account of their call. We were sitting the the sitting room, when Kitty, who is always on the lookout for callers, called out that Mr Bingley was coming. Mama was beside herself, and whipped Jane into a frenzy. Poor Jane could only allow herself to be pushed this way and that as Mama sought to calm her frazzled nerves. She tried to get Jane to change her dress and upon considering that idea, bid her not to do that, but instead just sit up straight, to show her figure to the best advantage. Kitty then mentioned that another gentleman was with her, but couldn't quite remember who it was. It was I who uttered his name in amazement, and instantly, Mama's countenance changed from that of pleasure to one of annoyance. She declared, that since he was Mr Bingley's friend, she would be civil, but nothing more than civil, and she kept her word, giving him a very chilly greeting, and speaking in such a cold manner that I was made to feel very uncomfortable indeed. If only she knew Mr Darcy's role in restoring Lydia's respectability! I still have not shared this news with anyone in my family, not even my dear Jane. I couldn't bear to look at him, lest my true feeling show, and he was just as silent as he ever was, looking out the window as he is wont to do. Mr Bingley was very attentive to my sister, although perhaps, a little reserved than he was formerly. Watching Jane laugh at one of his jokes, I could see that Mr Bingley was pleased that his attentions were received so well, and I am sure that, if ever Mr Darcy gave Mr Bingley his blessing, there would be another marriage to be held at Longbourne. Now that they are in Hertfordshire, I wonder if that is now his intent. I suspect that Mr Darcy has given Mr Bingley leave to discover as to whether he has secured Jane's affections, and if so, to propose and marry her. I do hope that this is so. I long for Jane to be happy once more, after all that she has been through. As for myself? Well, I can hardly go into that. Not when a certain gentleman has made perfectly clear his intentions regarding myself. No, I must move on, despite the pain that this realisation has caused me.
He loves me! He loves me! Oh dear diary, can you believe that such a thing could happen to me? He has proposed and we are engaged. At first, no one believed it to to be true, but they have finally accepted it and dear diary! I am so happy! I am now eternally grateful to Lady Catherine for her interefence, although she would hardly be delighted at the latest turn of events. My beloved assured me that it was through her interference that he worked up the courage to rnew his addresses, and so to that I am grateful. Father was very surprised to hear about my change of heart, for isn't it that I have always declared that I hated him? I was almost in tears trying to convince him that my affection was genuine, but he has given his consent and we are to marry at the same time as Jane and Mr Bingley. To this end, now that all my hopes and dreams are on the verge of fulfilment, I can only feel pity for Miss Bingley. She, who had long since hoped to be the mistress of Pemberley ere long, will be very bitter to hear about my 'conquest'. But I cannot consider Fitzwilliam as a conquest. No, it would be belittling him too much. I consider him to be the keeper of my heart and in turn I am the keeper of his. Happiness is overflowing and I wish to shout it to the treetops. Goodbye my dear diary!!
© 1999 Copyright held by author