Today was the picnic at Box Hill. I was enjoying myself immensely. Emma looked as beautiful as ever. I wish I could figure out these feelings that I have toward her.
Anyway, I was having a grand time until I saw how much of an influence Frank Churchill has on Emma. While Mr. Churchill was suggesting a game, Ms. Bates spoke up and said that she was sure to say something very dull the moment she opened her mouth. Emma then insulted Ms. Bates by saying that Ms. Bates would be limited in number. I couldn't believe that Emma would say that to such an old and dear friend. But what I did when the party broke up was worse than what she did. I reprimanded her for what she said and left without even saying good bye. I've decided that I can't stand being in Highbury while she falls under the influence of such a man as Frank Churchill. I've decided to go to London and stay with John for a while. I've decided to leave tomorrow and I've decided that I won't go to Hartfield before I leave. I think it will make the leave a lot easier.
I ended up postponing my trip to London by an hour because I had to see Emma before I left. When I got to Hartfield, I found out that Emma was at the Bates. When I heard that, I couldn't believe my ears. Emma came in later. She looked so beautiful after a walk. Her cheeks glowed from the walk. When she came in, her father praised her for going to the Bates. Her eyes showed that she knew she didn't deserve the praise that her father was giving her. I became so overwhelmed by what she did that I took her hand and was about to bring it to my mouth, but then I realized my place and dropped it. She looked a little confused about why I did that. Before she could question what I did, I told her I was going to London but had to see her before I left. I then took my leave.
Now I'm in London. I thought that being in my brother's house would give me pleasure, but it only brings me pain. The combination of an established house and the fact that Isabella and little Emma look so much like Emma, offering only in the little things that always made Emma more beautiful than Isabella, gives me so much pain. If only Emma knew what kind of pain I was going through at this moment, she might be persuaded to eventually love me as much as I love her.
Entry Three: Being in London with John and Isabella is driving me insane. Today Isabella mentioned Emma and Frank possibly getting together. Once Isabella said that, I thought a dagger had been plunged into my heart. Then, to make me feel worse, John agreed with Isabella. He said that Emma and Frank would make a great couple and that they should get married. At this point I had to excuse myself. I went out into the gardens and looked up at the bright, full moon. As I was looking at the moon, I prayed that Emma and Frank wouldn't get married and that Emma would realize how much I love her. I know this is an impossible wish, but if she could just see how much I suffer, she'd realize that I'd do anything for her.
I left this morning for Highbury. I found out, in a letter from Mr. Weston, that Frank and Jane Fairfax were engaged secretly for months! Frank feared his aunt's disapproval of Jane as a wife, so he kept it a secret. I rode over to see how Emma was bearing the news. When I saw her, she looked so depressed I could have killed Frank. Then she told me she didn't love Frank. I decided this was the best time to try and see if I could make Emma love me. When I first tried to tell her, she refused to listen to me. I was so depressed by her refusal to even let me start the conversation that I said nothing for a while. When we got back to her house, I asked if she was going in. I was positive she was going to go in. But she said she wanted to take another turn. So we walked through the gardens again. She told me that I could talk to her about anything and that she would listen to anything I had to say. As a friend, she said, she couldn't refuse to listen. As a friend!! I told her that I didn't want to come to her as a friend. I told her that I wanted to be more than friends. I asked her if there was anyway I could make her learn to love me. She then made me the happiest man in the world by saying that she was already in love with me and had been for some time, though she didn't realize it until just yesterday! I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life! I don't think any man's ever been so happy about getting a positive response to his proposal of marriage.
This will be my last entry. I just wanted to say again how happy Emma's made me. It's only been a week since I was so miserable about how I felt toward Emma. Now, I've never been happier. I don't think anything could ever make me happier.
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