(answer, both to Jim Morris and to Bridget D)
Jane and Bingley have no more shared a kiss...
Darcy has observed Elizabeth a great deal, enough for him to have feelings much forward mind in the matter.
I have noted, among Jane Austen characters, several levels of "ability of love without contact", particularly in Emma.
Harriet Smith in Emma, cannot love at all out of marriage, she is able of liking, infatuation, no more, and seems ready to really love her husband once married.
Emma is able to love before marriage (though, loving a person with whom she has had unusual contacts), but it remains a "platonic love", she is not at all hurried to enter in matrimony, her engagement could last long without her future husband's hurry. ;-) There again, we have signs that she will get it all after marriage. ;-)
Mr Knightley, as well as Mr Darcy, have, say, more ability to anticipation.
"but I think Darcy is on the way to genuine love, but it is a selfish feeling in the main so far." He is on the way of improving his love, which is already a genuine one, and there is selfishness in deficience in considering her real feelings, but his love itself is generous, not selfish.
"He wants to possess her," and does give himself to her. He has starting doing so very early, without knowing.
" tehey dont include a respect for Eliz as a person" Yes he has. He respects her deeply, since the beginning... but has not yet completed this respect over his own pride (consideration of her family, of her real feelings), pride which is not a wild one but very intricated with his sense of duty.
"she rightly tells him she's not interested." Yes, and how rightly! In Emma as well as in Pride and Prejudice, we have heores who are made one for the other, and who cannot love properly without extraordinary events... I think this would have to be developped, and sorry to for being so elusive; I am not at home, for a moment.