I understand why Frederick felt hurt and rejected after Anne broke the engagement but that does not mean he was right. Frederick took Anne breaking the engagement as her rejecting him but I don’t think that was the case. Anne was giving in to prudence in situation not rejecting him personally but he refused to believe it. I think she encouraged him to return when he had made his competence but he was too pig-headed and rash to listen. Instead he decided to take the position she did not believe in him enough and then refused to listen to his own heart. IMO Frederick made it all or nothing when it did not have to be.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to link Frederick’s impetuous behavior with the impetuous comment in his letter, “A word, a look will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never.” Frederick left the concert because, with little reason, he became jealous of Mr. Elliot; completely disregarding the efforts Anne made to speak with him and draw him out. What did Anne do exactly at the concert to set him off? The answer is nothing. He was too self-absorbed in his own passions to take the time to think or listen even when Anne asked him to stay. It reminds me of his refusal to believe in her when she broke the engagement. There is lots of impetuous behavior on his part, from his attentions to the Musgrove girls to writing his letter after overhearing Anne and Captain Harville. I agree Frederick is telling Anne the ball is in your court but it is imbued with his typical impetuousness which I don’t see has abandoned him at this point. You said “If you want the passion and intensity of the letter…I think you have to accept the passion and intensity of his pain, too.” Well, IMHO these same feelings also make him speak, write and act impetuously—sometimes to his detriment. (;D)