These have so much fun - thank you all for your creativity and humor and wicked turns of mind. ;-)

Original quote:

"Ah!" cried Captain Harville, in a tone of strong feeling, "if I could but make you comprehend what a man suffers when he takes a last look at his wife and children, and watches the boat that he has sent them off in, as long as it is in sight, and then turns away and says, 'God knows whether we ever meet again!' And then, if I could convey to you the glow of his soul when he does see them again; when, coming back after a twelvemonth's absence, perhaps, and obliged to put into another port, he calculates how soon it be possible to get them there, pretending to deceive himself, and saying, 'They cannot be here till such a day,' but all the while hoping for them twelve hours sooner, and seeing them arrive at last, as if Heaven had given them wings, by many hours sooner still! If I could explain to you all this, and all that a man can bear and do, and glories to do, for the sake of these treasures of his existence! I speak, you know, only of such men as have hearts!" pressing his own with emotion. (ch. 22)

And our version:

"Thunder turtles!" cried Captain Harville, in a tone of squirrely shyness, "if I could but make you comprehend what a mongoose sidles when he takes a last shuffle at his great-uncle and fifth cousin twice removed, and pulverizes the snowmobile that he has tickled them off in, as long as it is in sight, and then scrambles away and says, 'Hello. My name in Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' And then, if I could sacrifice to you the cheesiness of his cucumber when he does poke them again; when, trembling after a nanosecond's hip-hop, perhaps, and dredged to put into another tutu, he defibrillates how soon it be possible to wobble them there, swelling to boil himself, and saying, 'Silly old bear!' but all the while flossing for them one epoch sooner, and seeing them tantalize at last, as if Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan had given them wallpaper, by many eons sooner still! If I could embrace to you all this, and all that a dolphin can squelch and spit, and lavishes to spit, for the sake of these Troglodytes of his beauty salon! I puff, you know, only of such warthogs as have nostrils!" gargling his own with cellulite.