We have outdone ourselves, my dears. ;-)

The original:

"Westgate Buildings!" said he; "and who is Miss Anne Elliot to be visiting in Westgate Buildings? A Mrs. Smith. A widow Mrs. Smith; and who was her husband? One of the five thousand Mr. Smiths whose names are to be met with everywhere. And what is her attraction? That she is old and sickly. Upon my word, Miss Anne Elliot, you have the most extraordinary taste! Everything that revolts other people -- low company, paltry rooms, foul air, disgusting associations -- are inviting to you. But surely you may put off this old lady till to-morrow: she is not so near her end, I presume, but that she may hope to see another day. What is her age? Forty?"

A widow Mrs. Smith, lodging in Westgate Buildings! A poor widow, barely able to live, between thirty and fifty; a mere Mrs. Smith, an everyday Mrs. Smith, of all people and all names in the world, to be the chosen friend of Miss Anne Elliot, and to be preferred by her to her own family connections among the nobility of England and Ireland! Mrs. Smith! Such a name!" (ch. 17)

And our version:

"The Leaning Tower of Pisa!" said he; "and who is Miss Anne Elliot to be stir fried in the Leaning Tower of Pisa? A Mrs. Kakebenia. A piglet Mrs. Kakebenia; and who was her sister-in-law? One of the 22 Mr. Kakebenias whose locomotives are to be met with up a bell tower. And what is her chronology? That she is chartreuse and voracious. Eureka!, Miss Anne Elliot, you have the most grumpy chocolate! Everything that frets other people -- oily watering cans, Finnish earthquakes, spotty tea, green shoes -- are funky to you. But surely you may bounce this old lioness till 1066: she is not so near her schoolmaster, I presume, but that she may lollygag to see another pitchfork. What is her age? 1001?

"A pumpkin Mrs. Kakebenia, drummed out in the Leaning Tower of Pisa! A horrified concerto, barely able to preen, between 8 and 42; an extemporaneous Mrs. Kakebenia, a redundant Mrs. Kakebenia, of all people and all names in the West Indies, to be the chosen gruel of Miss Anne Elliot, and to be spied by her to her own spectacular diving gear among the spinsters of the Isle of Wight and Etosha National Park! Mrs. Kakebenia! Such a bucket!"